How to Understand People- Lessons from a College Psych Class

I’m currently reading The Art of People, by Dave Kerpen and I highly recommend it! There’s a section in the book which talks about how to ‘get’ people. ‘I just don’t get him’ — how often have we heard that?

But it’s important to ‘get’ people. ‘The first step in influencing people is understanding them’…

When I was reading this, I began to reflect on this course I had taken last semester, on motivational psychology. It was a very interesting course, which focused on a theory of human motivation called the Self-Determination Theory. According to this theory, humans have three basic psychological needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness. Autonomy refers to feeling a sense of control over your own life, and feeling that you have the power to make your own choices about your life. Competence refers to feeling that you are capable, or competent, to achieve the goals that you have- essentially feeling good about your abilities and skills. Relatedness is essentially feeling close and connected to other people.

According to the Self-Determination Theory, our happiness and well-being are essentially a function of these three needs. When these three needs are satisfied, we feel happy and intrinsically motivated. When they’re not, we experience negative emotions of some kind and are not able to live to our complete potential. For instance, if your friend who lost the basketball game is feeling low and bad about himself, it’s because his need for competence is deprived. A little encouragement from you could really make him/her feel better. Remind them of the times when they won, of the times when they scored more points than anyone else, and tell them that it’s just a bad day, and that they will be better next time because they are capable.

Okay, so everyone has needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness…does that mean everyone is the same?..

Nope, it doesn’t mean that everyone is the same. The extent to which people feel the needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness is different in every person. Some people have a greater need for autonomy than others- they have a greater desire to feel in control of their life and their time and their choices. Such people may be easily angered or frustrated when someone tries to meddle into their life too much. Some may have a greater need for relatedness and would always want to feel connected and loved. Others may have a greater need for competence and would always strive to excel and win, and may get disappointed or angered when they don’t or when someone questions their ability to succeed.

If you’re able to understand the differences in people based on their needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness, then you’ll be better able to form friendships and long lasting connections with them, and even influence them in positive ways. For example, if you identify that this person has a greater need for autonomy, try to give them their space and try not to be too pushy with them. Or, if you meet someone who seems to have a greater need for competence, try to make them feel good about themselves, especially when they’re in doubt about their own competence.

What I’ve written in this post is certainly not everything you need to know about understanding people- if I knew everything, I’d probably have been the author of The Art of People. I’m still learning myself. But there are two things that I’ve learnt and would like to imbibe in my life:

1. If you can make an effort to see people’s behaviors and emotions as a result of their satisfaction or lack of satisfaction of any of the three psychological needs, then you’re in a position to better connect with them or help them if needed.
2. If you can identify what kind of a person they are based on whether they seek autonomy, competence or relatedness the most, it can help you understand them better, and you can (and should) direct your behaviors towards them in a manner which doesn’t hurt or deprive them of their autonomy, competence or relatedness.

I hope you learnt something from this post: If you did, please like, comment and share!

Life Lessons from a Street Food Vendor

*originally published on medium

I had falafel on rice for lunch today- it was amazing, as always. I go to this halal guy every weekend. He recognizes me now.

He is from Turkey- he and his brother came to the states and set up a small Halal cart chain with six carts in Upper West Side. I have been eating from a lot of Halal carts across the city during my stay in New York, but I have to say that this fellow is by far the best I’ve come across- not because his food is the best, but because of the love and respect with which he treats his customers, and the energy and passion with which he does his job.

Today, we got talking a little more than usual. He asked me if I go to Columbia. I said, ‘no, I’m in the city for an internship.’ And then I added, hopefully someday I will.
‘Of course you will’, he said. ‘If you work hard, you can get anything in life.’ He went on, sounding like an elder brother: ‘My father always used to tell me that no matter what you want in life, work hard. No matter it is- your studies, your fitness, your job…always work hard. Even if you’re the smartest person, if you don’t work hard you won’t get anything… and now I know, my father was right.’At this point, I almost wanted to tell him: ‘thanks for the motivation, man, but what about you though?… you’re here selling me falafel for a living — don’t you want a better life? Why don’t you work hard?..’
Then, after a short pause, he started again, almost as if he had read my mind: he told me that he’s studying architecture in college- he attends college and studies on weekdays, and helps his brother with his business on weekends. Despite having school five days a week, he comes to work on weekends with a happy face, and treats customers with utmost care and respect… And I thought my life was hard. Hats off to this guy for doing what he does.
He showed me today that there are no excuses in life and no one to blame. Every morning is a fresh challenge. Either you learn to pick yourself up and fight or learn to surrender to it.
As an old Indian poet once said, ‘So long as there is life, there is struggle’

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.

Till June 2010, I had lived all my life in Delhi. In June, I had to leave Delhi and come to Mumbai because of my father’s transfer. My friend circle, my awesome school, my studies, my complete life was disrupted. I didn’t want to come to Mumbai at all, but even more- I didn’t want to leave Delhi. I would miss all my friends, my school, my teachers, my basketball games… everything. I was going to leave behind so many things which were close to my heart. It was very hard for me to cope with this. But I had to. There was no other option. So, in June, we came to Mumbai. The city didn’t welcome me in the dreamiest way, to say the least - I got a very severe case of typhoid after a week of arriving in Mumbai. And I spent 2 weeks in hospital. So I was able to join school only in mid-July. Joining a new school more than a month late was not all romantic. I didn’t know anyone. And besides, the school was completely different from my previous school, the core difference being that it was a million times smaller. Claustrophobic.  It was really hard for me to adjust. On top of that, I was missing my friends, a lot. I felt imprisoned by the injustice of life.

But now, when I look back, I can honestly say, that coming to Mumbai is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. When I joined my new school in Mumbai, I had no friends and there were no distractions which allowed me to stay focused on my studies. Once I got highest grades on few tests, I got a lot of encouragement from my new friends, my teachers and my family. And it was all uphill from there. My grades improved drastically. In middle school, I had been an average student. Now, I became one of the toppers. It was not only academics where I began to excel. When I joined this school, I realized the plethora of opportunities that I had had back in Delhi, and I didn’t use them. Now, when the opportunities were less, I truly began to value them. I decided to fully utilize every opportunity on my way. I began participating in a lot of extracurricular activities. I began going on stage more often than I ever had in my life. This way, I gained a lot of self-confidence. Apart from all this, I discovered one of my true passions after I came to Mumbai- Writing. Life had changed a lot, but it had changed for the better.

If dad hadn’t got transferred, I would have never come to Mumbai, and all these wonderful things would not have happened to me. Of course, it was impossible to see the positive side when I was going to come here. But now, it is very clear that it all happened because I had better things in store for me.

It’s true; you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. As we grow older we become very result-oriented. For each and every thing that we do, if we start worrying whether the dots will connect or not, life would become very difficult. We have no control over the future. We can only control our present. Don’t live for the future, live in the moment and enjoy the journey. Listen to your heart and trust that the dots will somehow connect in the future. " You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards." ~ Steve Jobs